it's been 20 days since my facebook went offline and I must say it's been an interesting journey so far. At first, I didn't think it'd be such a big deal, but after a while, I realized how much of a psychological effect facebook had on me. Quite unexpectedly, I've been over come with almost this sense of loneliness, which I think is positively ridiculous. I attribute this "loneliness" to the lack of "connection" now that facebook is gone, or what we believe is connection. Now that instant access to everyone and there mother isn't on a screen, I can't get a hold of them. I can no longer facebook chat, or cruise over to somebodies page and leave a comment. This is positively silly because none of that is what I would define as an actual connection, but more of an artificial connection. I never even seriously used facebook chat to begin with anyway! It really is kind of scary how facebook seemed to trick my brain into thinking that I was interacting socially with people online, when in actuality I wasn't doing very much interacting at all.
You may be quick to point out that facebook may not be the cause of such loneliness, but I respectfully disagree. I got along fine without facebook, talking to the same number of people on aim as I do now, which is a meager few, but if anything; I interact with more people now on a regular basis than I did before. I have deeper conversations and connections now with people who play a bigger role in my life than I did then, and these are person to person interactions. Not over the phone or in front of a computer. So, honestly, I don't think this is actual loneliness, but may be this "false loneliness," if there is such a thing, that has resulted due to loss of such a big part of life up to now.
A few of you may know that my birthday was earlier this month. May 11th to be exact. Facebook definitely impacted the way I experienced that. On my birthday, the only people to actually wish me a happy birthday were my family members. Now, I'm not crying about this or anything. I honestly don't advertise my birthday, so it wasn't really that big of a blow. (I haven't thrown myself a bday party since I was in elementary school.)It was different though. Usually, thanks to facebook, you are bombarded with a barrage of "Happy Bdays" from everyone and there mother who happened to see the notification on facebook. I always thought that was annoying though, since I would always suspect that they needed facebook to tell them when my birthday was. It wasn't just bad things that came out of this though. One of my students, who does not have a facebook (to my knowledge), wished me a happy birthday a few days before it actually happened. I was stunned/happy to find out that someone actually remembered without having to be told! And this kid wouldn't be categorized as the brightest either! I guess I may be able to categorize a text by a student on the day of as a "happy bday wish," but all she called me was an old man. I guess I'll take it. In any case, that's what I've been looking for. Fostering real, meaningful relationships with out the use of a stupid computer.
I think people categorize these new little social interaction apparatuses as a requirement nowadays. That's dumb. I shouldn't have to have a facebook in order to connect with a person. I was talking to a student of mine last night about dating. He couldn't seem to understand the idea of dating without texting being involved. It was a foreign concept to him. As he put it, "it kind of makes you cherish all the time you have." He went on to say that he and the girl he is "dating" enjoy each others company. Shenanigans. I'm not saying that they don't, I'm just saying that that's kind of funny when the only time they ever see each other face to face and hear each others voice is at school. This is just an example, that of a 17 year old to be exact, but I've found myself thinking and acting the same way before too.
I think people honestly underestimate the power facebook and even texting. I think it's kind of scary. It's integrated itself into our daily lives. It's become a ritual for some people. That's nuts. I would never have guessed how much of an impact facebook had on my life until I got rid of it.
This is where my blog comes in. I've been using this free time to think up stuff for my blog. I love it. I've also come to understand how important my blog is to me. A while back, I came to the conclusion that I'm actually quite forgetful, especially with the important stuff that I've experienced. It's hard for me to recall particular circumstances that have impacted my life. I can only ever recall the emotions, the impact on my life, and the results. I didn't really have material to "tell a story" with. I could just relate feelings. I understand that an easy way to solve this is by recording stuff like that in a journal. I own a journal and I've tried using it on more than one occasion. I just couldn't do it. Then I realized that this blog of mine actually has some pretty deep, life changing stuff on it already. For some reason, I blog about my experiences freely when it feels like pulling teeth when I try to write them down.
I don't hate writing. I love writing actually. I enjoy using big words and forming deep sentences and messages. For some reason though, I just can't keep a journal. I guess this has developed a new found appreciation for my blog. I guess it may be slightly hypocritical of me for being dependent on this virtual collection of writings on the internet when I just severed all connections with facebook, but I think facebook and my blog are two different beasts, and my blog surely isn't replacing my interactions and shaping my world-view at all.
It may sound like I'm crusading against our little social interactions over the web and the phone, but I'm not. I'm promoting awareness, and recording what I've learned while struggling with this stuff. I honestly believe we take this stuff too lightly. I'm not saying we should stop using any of this stuff. Not at all. I'm just saying we ought to be mindful of how we use them and how they are impacting our lives.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Who's got two thumbs, two trigger fingers, and the right to own a handgun? THIS GUY!
I got my Handgun Safety Certificate today! I'm pretty psyched. I had to take a test in order to receive the card so that I will be able to purchase handguns in the future. It was pretty much 30 true and false and multiple choice questions that were all pretty common sense. It was pretty awesome. I passed with flying colors! BOOYAH! Now the question is what handgun I will be purchasing first. The million dollar question. I've singled out a few guns that I want to check out before I make a decision.
At the top of my list would be this bad boy! It has the style and intimidation factor that I require. Who cares if the gun flies out of my hand and into my face after I fire it. If it hits something, then it's game over!
I'm very much kidding about that. As cool as a Desert Eagle is, I'd much rather purchase a Baby Eagle which has similar style and would be a lot more practical, not to mention affordable. Some day I'd like to purchase one of those, but they don't seem to be widely available so they're off the list.
At the top of my list would have to be the USP Compact. It's a pretty good sized gun that comes in 9mm, .357 sig, .40 S&W, and .45 ACP. I got to handle a model in .40 S&W today and I must say that I really like the fit. I would like to fire it in 9mm and may be .40 before I make a decision though.
Second on my list would have to be the Beretta PX4. It comes in 9mm, .40 S&W, and I think it even comes in .45. Apparently one of the awesome things about this gun is the barrel rotates slightly when firing to reduce recoil. I am not sure exactly how that works but apparently it does. I'm still doing my homework on that. Also, the grips on this gun can be changed out for small, medium, and large grips to fit your hand the way you want it. That's a plus. You want a handgun with a good fit. Then, of course, it's Italian. All in all, the Beretta is high on my list.
Third, and finally on my list will have to be the XD 9. It's the cheapest of these plastic fantastics. There is a pretty broad selection in the XD department. I've never been too happy about their looks, but they definitely beat those ugly glocks in my book.
I'm sure other guns will present themselves, but this is what I've got so far. I'm sure I'll post the end result eventually though.
At the top of my list would be this bad boy! It has the style and intimidation factor that I require. Who cares if the gun flies out of my hand and into my face after I fire it. If it hits something, then it's game over!
I'm very much kidding about that. As cool as a Desert Eagle is, I'd much rather purchase a Baby Eagle which has similar style and would be a lot more practical, not to mention affordable. Some day I'd like to purchase one of those, but they don't seem to be widely available so they're off the list.
At the top of my list would have to be the USP Compact. It's a pretty good sized gun that comes in 9mm, .357 sig, .40 S&W, and .45 ACP. I got to handle a model in .40 S&W today and I must say that I really like the fit. I would like to fire it in 9mm and may be .40 before I make a decision though.
Second on my list would have to be the Beretta PX4. It comes in 9mm, .40 S&W, and I think it even comes in .45. Apparently one of the awesome things about this gun is the barrel rotates slightly when firing to reduce recoil. I am not sure exactly how that works but apparently it does. I'm still doing my homework on that. Also, the grips on this gun can be changed out for small, medium, and large grips to fit your hand the way you want it. That's a plus. You want a handgun with a good fit. Then, of course, it's Italian. All in all, the Beretta is high on my list.
Third, and finally on my list will have to be the XD 9. It's the cheapest of these plastic fantastics. There is a pretty broad selection in the XD department. I've never been too happy about their looks, but they definitely beat those ugly glocks in my book.
I'm sure other guns will present themselves, but this is what I've got so far. I'm sure I'll post the end result eventually though.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Halo Reach: Beta!
The beta test is finally open for Halo: Reach. Us die-hard halo fans have been waiting since news of it's availability was announced. I've been psyched since playing Halo 3: ODST.
Too bad I'm in class right now and can't be enjoying it like the rest of the drooling masses of halo fans. But that's what my night is going to look like tonight! After 24, which ranks higher than the beta to me, I'm going to be all over that. I might just fall asleep to gun fire! OR Tea-bag the night away!
Too bad I'm in class right now and can't be enjoying it like the rest of the drooling masses of halo fans. But that's what my night is going to look like tonight! After 24, which ranks higher than the beta to me, I'm going to be all over that. I might just fall asleep to gun fire! OR Tea-bag the night away!
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Mr. Nice guy
The other day, I was having a conversation with a friend of mine and they asked me: " when do I ever do nice things for other people." To be honest, I thought it was an interesting, but random question, and they assured me that they were not trying to offend me. The thing is, that's not a question people ask me very often. It's not even a question I ask myself, so I thought it would be interesting to try and answer that. So I got thinking, and I came to the conclusion that, regardless of whether or not people think I'm a jerk (That's a matter of opinion, I'm sure.), I'm actually a really nice guy. Mind you, I'm not saying I'm the image of generosity and humility; the perfect bearer of Christ's example, but I try. As I thought about it, I realize I do behave myself pretty well. I'm not saying I reach out to every homeless person and feed every orphan, but I comport myself quite well in relation to other people. I hold doors open for people, I say "bless you" to random strangers, toss some change in the salvation army can, stop to help a stranger in need on the occasion, and so forth. Now, I'm not saying this to brag, I'm just saying this because I think it's important to understand whether or not we are really nice people. I may not be perfect, but I do understand that people are as frail and helpless as I am at times and if I have the power to help them, I ought to. Again, I'm not saying I'm a Saint, and I'm not saying that we are only required to do the small things like holding doors open and so forth, but they mean a lot too, because If you don't skip over the small things, you surely take notice of the big things too. Not saying I'm perfect at that either, but I sure as heck try. Just something to think about. I think it's a question we ought to ask ourselves every now and again. How often do I do something without my best interests in mind?
Monday, April 26, 2010
I think I'm done with Facebook.
I've had this long-standing beef with facebook for the longest time. Not enough of an issue to get me to stop using it on a regular basis, but a beef nonetheless. I've never been the biggest proponent of social networking sites to begin with, but it didn't really bug me so much until facebook. My first intro would have to be xanga, back in the dark ages, but that worked more like a blog. Then there came the advent of Myspace, which I opted to use since everyone else was. Thinking about it now; it was a very silly thing. Then came facebook, which seemed more exclusive since it was a college only thing at the time. I guess I was captured by the allure of being part of a special elite of the social networking scene. That didn't last long of course. But that wasn't so bad. I came to be connected to everyone. Seriously, EVERYONE! I was connected to people who went to school with me who I never talked to/never would. It was ridiculous. But I guess it wasn't something a purge couldn't fix after all. I'd have to say that those accursed facebook apps and their endless stream of invites turned out to be the first thing to make me consider getting rid of the stupid thing.
We've been going over the effects of Social networks on relationships and written language in my American Culture class, and we were giving a surprisingly good book to read on the subject. That book really galvanized me to take another look at facebook, figure out why I have one, and compile a list of it's pros and cons in my humble opinion. The following will be a list of MY pros and cons. You may disagree with me, but then again, you may not be considering ridding yourself of facebook.
You're "Always on."
"Always on" is the title of the book I was assigned to read. The author used the term to basically state that we are always connected with everyone else within our social networks. We are always online. People know what we are doing and we also know what they are doing. We can reach them whenever, and they can do the same with us. I don't think it is so bad to be available, but when do we stop being available? When do we focus on ourselves alone, or get some one on one time with other people. I'm straying away from facebook alone here, and addressing Aim and texting as well, which each bug me in some way,shape, or form. But seriously, when do we turn off? I know that when I get home, I turn my computer on and navigate to facebook, open up AIM, and make sure my cellphone is within reach. What is up with that? I figure it is because we are social creatures, and demand interaction with other people, which is natural and important for a human being to survive. Do you ever think that may be this flood of interaction between ourselves and other individuals over the web may be detracting from the importance of our interactions with other people? Can you really have a legitimate heart to heart over the internet?
It's totally public.
Facebook is remarkably public. Now sure, you have privacy settings, but there are still scores of people who can view you page, who get that notification of your actions of facebook, or receive you status update over the news feed. Likewise, you receive these notifications from other people. You can hide those notifications, of course, but how man people honestly hide every single notification they get? I'll touch again on the hiding notification thing later on. Honestly, there are some notifications I don't want to see. I can't stop everyone from updating with something that I don't approve of. It'd be a lot easier just not getting any updates at all.
Now, some people can be crying out in pain through a status update. I guess you are then notified by a friends plight over the web. You can then wade through the morons who respond with something stupid or try to provide some kind of advice. Honestly, the whole idea of appealing to the masses of facebook friends for relief is silly. I'm kind of upset when my friends replace my personal advice and the opportunity to share the weight of a situation with a person privately with the masses of faceless facebook cretins clambering over each other, trying to prove they are the greater friend, or just trying to provide the best advice. I think if you really cared about getting help, you'd use your mouth instead of your fingers.
I'm sure I've done the same thing at some point, but I hope to stop that. I find that status updates, facebook chat, and aim really detract from my relationships and the possibility of growing closer to a person. I would much prefer a deep discussion face to face with a person rather than through some kind of screen. Sure, you can't do that all the time, but a conversation over the phone would be even better than staring at some stupid set of text on your computer screen. I guess a lot of it is just principle. How do I know you are completely available to listen to me pouring my heart out? How do I know you didn't walk away for a minute or two to chit chat with someone down the hall or something? Just something that nags at me.
It's all show.
I think most of facebook is about "the show." Throwing up some funny one-liner in a stauts update, posting pictures of you doing some awesome stuff, inflating yourself through your profile. It's dumb. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that we all do it. Every single one of us. We all try to make our friends see how awesome we are and thereby feel good about ourselves. I think that's shady. I think if I got rid of facebook, I wouldn't be so much worried about that. I'd be a little more genuine and wouldn't be hard pressed to impress the numbers on my friend list. Being genuine isn't just something to deal with in response to facebook, but in general. If I want to happy with who I am, I think that encompasses all things in my life, so facebook will have to go for that reason.
"turning down the volume on people"
I was talking about hiding notifications and status updates from people on facebook earlier. That would be "turning down the volume" on a specific person. You don't want to hear what they have to say, or see what they are doing, so you turn the volume down on them. Why not just turn them off? Why be their friends on facebook if you just don't care what they have to say? Seriously, why do we string all those people along with our silly "friend lists?" I'd say 75% of the people on my friend list on facebook are people I don't see on a regular basis. 50% of my friends on facebook are people I never even talk to. Why do I still have them around? I guess for some reason I haven't brought myself to purge them. Why should I even have to purge people on my list? Do I honestly do that with my actual relationships? Sometimes I wish I could literally purge myself of a few people, but that'd be incredibly violent and would definitely look bad. But it's ok over facebook, though, right?
I guess that begs the question whether or not friendship over facebook is tantamount to actual friendship. Personally, I don't believe it is, but why deal with all of the show if they aren't my real friends to begin with? Then of course, you'll find a couple of people who get butt-hurt about being purged and guilt you with that "so, we aren't really friends then since you deleted me on facebook?" crap.
Do you really care about me, and Vice versa.
I think we feel like we can effectively nurture a relationship over AIM or facebook. I totally disagree because nurturing a relationship over facebook often turns into the occasional "how are you?" posted on the wall, or the occasional comment on a persons activity. Totally not so. I guess we feel like since we said something, they know we care, but do you really care about a person if you believe you can satisfy the needs of a relationship with just a few lines of text? I don't think so. I've been thinking about that idea for ages now. It has even convinced me that I shouldn't do any sort of intensive texting with a possible girl I'm interested in or anything like that. You confuse a real relationship with that digital ghost of a relationship that exists through facebook and or aim.
As far as I see it, removing facebook from my life will be more of a benefit then a detriment. It'll encourage me to be more genuine with myself and my relationships, well at least my real ones. Now, I know facebook can help me to connect with people, but if I really cared about connecting them, I could rely on something other than facebook and really show I care by writing them a letter or calling them. A short little post on the wall of their facebook shouldn't be good enough. Honestly, the cons with facebook far outweigh the pros in my opinion.
What will I do without facebook you may ask? Good question. I'll be getting my school work done, focusing on nurturing those relationships that I choose to, or at least try to, and paying more attention to my good ol' blog. And ya, I guess you can argue that I can be doing the same things I have been crying out about with my blog instead of facebook, but I don't think it's exactly the same experience. I'm not really blogging to expect some notice by everyone since my blog followers are pretty much only people I care for and people whose opinions I care about. Not to mention I have a record of things I've struggled with a grappled with, in text form at least. Not to mention I get to work on how I write, which is something I do enjoy. So that's that. Love facebook, or hate it. I'm totally getting rid of it.
We've been going over the effects of Social networks on relationships and written language in my American Culture class, and we were giving a surprisingly good book to read on the subject. That book really galvanized me to take another look at facebook, figure out why I have one, and compile a list of it's pros and cons in my humble opinion. The following will be a list of MY pros and cons. You may disagree with me, but then again, you may not be considering ridding yourself of facebook.
You're "Always on."
"Always on" is the title of the book I was assigned to read. The author used the term to basically state that we are always connected with everyone else within our social networks. We are always online. People know what we are doing and we also know what they are doing. We can reach them whenever, and they can do the same with us. I don't think it is so bad to be available, but when do we stop being available? When do we focus on ourselves alone, or get some one on one time with other people. I'm straying away from facebook alone here, and addressing Aim and texting as well, which each bug me in some way,shape, or form. But seriously, when do we turn off? I know that when I get home, I turn my computer on and navigate to facebook, open up AIM, and make sure my cellphone is within reach. What is up with that? I figure it is because we are social creatures, and demand interaction with other people, which is natural and important for a human being to survive. Do you ever think that may be this flood of interaction between ourselves and other individuals over the web may be detracting from the importance of our interactions with other people? Can you really have a legitimate heart to heart over the internet?
It's totally public.
Facebook is remarkably public. Now sure, you have privacy settings, but there are still scores of people who can view you page, who get that notification of your actions of facebook, or receive you status update over the news feed. Likewise, you receive these notifications from other people. You can hide those notifications, of course, but how man people honestly hide every single notification they get? I'll touch again on the hiding notification thing later on. Honestly, there are some notifications I don't want to see. I can't stop everyone from updating with something that I don't approve of. It'd be a lot easier just not getting any updates at all.
Now, some people can be crying out in pain through a status update. I guess you are then notified by a friends plight over the web. You can then wade through the morons who respond with something stupid or try to provide some kind of advice. Honestly, the whole idea of appealing to the masses of facebook friends for relief is silly. I'm kind of upset when my friends replace my personal advice and the opportunity to share the weight of a situation with a person privately with the masses of faceless facebook cretins clambering over each other, trying to prove they are the greater friend, or just trying to provide the best advice. I think if you really cared about getting help, you'd use your mouth instead of your fingers.
I'm sure I've done the same thing at some point, but I hope to stop that. I find that status updates, facebook chat, and aim really detract from my relationships and the possibility of growing closer to a person. I would much prefer a deep discussion face to face with a person rather than through some kind of screen. Sure, you can't do that all the time, but a conversation over the phone would be even better than staring at some stupid set of text on your computer screen. I guess a lot of it is just principle. How do I know you are completely available to listen to me pouring my heart out? How do I know you didn't walk away for a minute or two to chit chat with someone down the hall or something? Just something that nags at me.
It's all show.
I think most of facebook is about "the show." Throwing up some funny one-liner in a stauts update, posting pictures of you doing some awesome stuff, inflating yourself through your profile. It's dumb. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that we all do it. Every single one of us. We all try to make our friends see how awesome we are and thereby feel good about ourselves. I think that's shady. I think if I got rid of facebook, I wouldn't be so much worried about that. I'd be a little more genuine and wouldn't be hard pressed to impress the numbers on my friend list. Being genuine isn't just something to deal with in response to facebook, but in general. If I want to happy with who I am, I think that encompasses all things in my life, so facebook will have to go for that reason.
"turning down the volume on people"
I was talking about hiding notifications and status updates from people on facebook earlier. That would be "turning down the volume" on a specific person. You don't want to hear what they have to say, or see what they are doing, so you turn the volume down on them. Why not just turn them off? Why be their friends on facebook if you just don't care what they have to say? Seriously, why do we string all those people along with our silly "friend lists?" I'd say 75% of the people on my friend list on facebook are people I don't see on a regular basis. 50% of my friends on facebook are people I never even talk to. Why do I still have them around? I guess for some reason I haven't brought myself to purge them. Why should I even have to purge people on my list? Do I honestly do that with my actual relationships? Sometimes I wish I could literally purge myself of a few people, but that'd be incredibly violent and would definitely look bad. But it's ok over facebook, though, right?
I guess that begs the question whether or not friendship over facebook is tantamount to actual friendship. Personally, I don't believe it is, but why deal with all of the show if they aren't my real friends to begin with? Then of course, you'll find a couple of people who get butt-hurt about being purged and guilt you with that "so, we aren't really friends then since you deleted me on facebook?" crap.
Do you really care about me, and Vice versa.
I think we feel like we can effectively nurture a relationship over AIM or facebook. I totally disagree because nurturing a relationship over facebook often turns into the occasional "how are you?" posted on the wall, or the occasional comment on a persons activity. Totally not so. I guess we feel like since we said something, they know we care, but do you really care about a person if you believe you can satisfy the needs of a relationship with just a few lines of text? I don't think so. I've been thinking about that idea for ages now. It has even convinced me that I shouldn't do any sort of intensive texting with a possible girl I'm interested in or anything like that. You confuse a real relationship with that digital ghost of a relationship that exists through facebook and or aim.
As far as I see it, removing facebook from my life will be more of a benefit then a detriment. It'll encourage me to be more genuine with myself and my relationships, well at least my real ones. Now, I know facebook can help me to connect with people, but if I really cared about connecting them, I could rely on something other than facebook and really show I care by writing them a letter or calling them. A short little post on the wall of their facebook shouldn't be good enough. Honestly, the cons with facebook far outweigh the pros in my opinion.
What will I do without facebook you may ask? Good question. I'll be getting my school work done, focusing on nurturing those relationships that I choose to, or at least try to, and paying more attention to my good ol' blog. And ya, I guess you can argue that I can be doing the same things I have been crying out about with my blog instead of facebook, but I don't think it's exactly the same experience. I'm not really blogging to expect some notice by everyone since my blog followers are pretty much only people I care for and people whose opinions I care about. Not to mention I have a record of things I've struggled with a grappled with, in text form at least. Not to mention I get to work on how I write, which is something I do enjoy. So that's that. Love facebook, or hate it. I'm totally getting rid of it.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Picking up chicks
This one was rushed a bit, but I really wanted to get it done. I left it incomplete for a while so I just wanted to be done with it. Anyway, life would sure be easier if you could pick up chicks with giant robots.
It's been far too long since I've done a blog post. I keep saying I'm going to get into the rhythm of posting more than once a month, but I never follow through. I guess I need to start making time for it. I've got a few ideas how to do that though.
Life is good right now. I'm doing pretty good in school so that's awesome. A lot of stuff has got me thinking though, so I guess there's some stuff to blog about.
I finished my Good Friday artwork for the church last week. That was an experience. I thought I'd go all out this year, so I decided I'd fast before I started really painting it. This year was the first time I did it solo. Last year was a collaboration with Tom and I, and since he's going to school for art and has those college classes under his belt I figured a solo project might be a little harder. So I was a little worried that I wouldn't be able to figure out what to do or be pleased with my work in the end. I have to tell you: fasting was a good idea. God really provided me with what I needed. I've been working on a devotional every morning that focuses on one name for God each week. Since I started fasting on monday, I started a new lesson, and with that, a new name. It turns out that the name of the week was Yahweh Yireh, which means, in Hebrew "The Lord will provide." It was pretty awesome how it turned out like that. I ended up having that name coursing through my brain all day. It really helped to get over the need for food, especially since I'm at school on Mondays from 9 in the morning to 7 at night. So I had a lot of time to think about that and come up with ideas for the artwork. I was pretty proud of the end result.
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I actually had a pretty size-able list of names to put on there. I just really liked those.
In any case, expect more from now on. Life is good, and he has risen indeed!
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Playlist of my life
One of my professors was talking about putting together a playlist for our lives and I thought that was an actually neat idea. Something fun, but also deep. I think it's important to reflect on our past. It's good to remember where we've been and what we came out of to be where we are today. I figured I'd take a stroll down memory lane in a more creative way with this playlist thing.
Now, I'm not actually going to do a playlist for my entire life. That'd be massive. May be some day I'll endeavor to tackle that project. I figured I'd reminisce on some stuff that's still pretty fresh in my mind. I guess you can call them my important developmental years or something like that.
Anyway, here's a playlist that sums up from my Highschool years till now. Maybe some brief descriptions for some of the songs too. I'll be judging the songs based off lyrical content as well as over all feel. I'll also provide album title just in case some of you brave souls would like to look any of them up and understand what I'm talking about. The order will be: Song title, Band Name, Album name.
Hell- Foo Fighters - In Your Honor: I guess this sums up me going into High School pretty well. I kind of just said I was a Christian but my life was no where near what it should've been.
Wow, I can get sexual too- Say Anything - ...Is a real boy [disc 2]: It's a pretty catchy but bad song. I guess it's a better definition of what I was dealing with.
I'm not alright- Sanctus Real - The Face of Love: The chorus goes: "I'm not alright. I'm broken inside." Took me around 2 years of high school to finally figure it out. I only really started getting my act together a year or so later.
I Am Understood?- Relient K - Two lefts don't make a right, but three do: I started to discover what it really meant to be a Christian. I picked up my bible for the first time and read out of it because I wanted to. I guess this is the central turning point of my life. I remember it pretty well. I couldn't figure out where to start so I kind of threw my bible open to some random page, closed my eyes and just pointed at some random passage. Turns out it would become my favorite passage of all time. Luke 9:23-24 "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life shall lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it." After that, I decided to read the book of Romans for some reason. That's still one of my favorite books of the bible. Paul is the man.
The Created Void- Underoath - Lost in the sound of separation: Part of the lyrics is: "It's all in the way I say what I don't mean and mean what I don't." It reminds me a lot of what Paul writes in Romans 7: 14-15: "We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." I was starting to realize that it wasn't all just sunshine and butterflies after I accepted Jesus into my heart. I was coming to realize that it was a lot easier said than done.
I Never Wanted- As I Lay Dying - An Ocean Between Us: This is a really good song, but the lyrics I find most powerful and the best summary for this is "I will no longer adore these things that will never satisfy me." This song is pretty much about how old habits die hard. We may change sometimes but then end up right back where we started. This song is also about God relieving us of that and being the one who will satisfy us. Sometimes we fall upon these "obsessions of the world" to fill the hole that's inside us. A whole that those things will never fill. Only Christ's spring never runs dry and always satisfies the thirsty. It's always a painful process to realize you're suffering with some kind of addiction. You may not even realize it at the time. It's definitely hard to kick. At this point in my life, I realized that I didn't want to go along with it. I wanted to fight it and I wanted Christ to be the one who would satisfy me and fix what is broken.
Get Down- Audio Adrenaline - Hit Parade: I love this song. It's an oldie but a goodie. "in your weakness he is stronger, in your darkness he shines through." is just a taste of the awesome lyrics that really pick me up and remind me how great God is. Regardless of how bad I screw up, God is always there to set me back on my feet and help me to walk again. It's awesome. It's hard to realize this when you're in the thick of it, but it's so true. In this part of my life, God was really beginning to show me how faithful he is to me. He showed me how much he loved me even when I screwed up big time.
Mr. Blue Sky- Electric Light Orchestra - Their essential collection: This is such an upbeat sounding song, it almost makes me sick, but I love it. At this point things were pretty good. I sure did have some problems, but I wasn't down on life completely. I was chugging through up to graduation. I was reading my Bible on a regular basis. It was nice. I got to speak in front of the the 700 or so students at my school about my life. I guess I gave them my testimony up to that point. It sure was a heck of an experience. I pretty much winged it up on stage and God pulled me through and had me say what I needed to say. Hopefully it did some people good. Any way, life was good.
Me Oh My- Five Iron Frenzy - All The Hype That Money Can Buy: Apparently this song is about Isaiah 56:1: "Maintain justice and do what is right, for my salvation is close at hand and my righteousness will soon be revealed." It's another upbeat song. I was in college. Things were good. I enjoyed my classes. I came out of an awesome summer with friends. It was good times for sure. I was still on fire for God.
Shiksa (Girlfriend)- Say Anything - In Defense of the Genre: Oh yeah baby! It was about freaking time! I got myself a girlfriend! Life was awesome! Everything was as it was supposed to be! (or so I thought) I didn't have a care in the world. I totally gave myself away to those waves of fuzzy feelings. I let them sweep me away with the tide until they would dash me against the rocks and spell my destruction.
Confession (What's inside my head)- Red - Innocence & Instinct: "I confess, I'm always afraid, Always ashamed of what's inside my head." I ended up breaking up with my girlfriend. One day, I just realized I was not where I wanted to be. I was at the precipice of utter disaster. I was at the head of a trail that was oh so alluring, but one that I really didn't want to go down. On top of that, I was just in a very fragile state. Lord knows what would have happened had I not been so fortunate to realize what wrong I was doing. God was truly looking out for me then. I think about it now and realize that I could've really done things that I would have regretted for the rest of my life. God really saved my behind. This was only the beginning of a dark chapter in my life though.
I So Hate Consequences- Relient K - Mmhmm:
"And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
Consequences
Oh God, don’t make me face up to this
And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
Cause I know that I let you down
And I don’t want to deal with that"
That pretty much summed up what I was feeling like. I knew I screwed the pooch, so to speak, but I really didn't want to deal with it. I just kind of ran away from it, expecting things to get better the more distance I put between myself and it. I was wrong of course. I was continuing to go down a path of self destruction when all I had to do was go to God and he'd set me straight. I went on like this for ages. Pretending all was well when in fact everything was wrong. It's funny how we continue to dwell on this things that keep us down instead of coming forward, going to God to deal with them and rid us of them.
Sons of the Fallen Nation- Haste The Day - Dreamer: "I'm so tired of always letting you down, still you offer to turn it around. I just can't seem to keep my feet on the ground, still you offer to turn it around." God really was faithful to me the whole time. He persisted in reaching out to me even if I didn't seem to recognize his presence. I knew what I needed to do, I just chose not to all the time. Sometimes I tried, but it ended up being a half-hearted attempt at best.
Mess of Me- Switchfoot - Hello Hurricane:
"I am my own affliction
I am my own disease
There ain't no drug that they could sell
Ah, there ain't no drugs to make me well
There ain't no drugs
It's not enough
There ain't no drugs
The sickness is myself
I made a mess of me
I wanna get back the rest of me
I've made a mess of me
I wanna spend the rest of my life alive"
At this point I started to realize that I was killing myself by just living with sin. I wanted to do something about it. I realized I was a wreck and that I needed to get better and running away just wasn't the answer.
Tie Me Up! Untie Me!- Mewithoutyou - Catch Us For the Foxes:
"Tie me up!
Untie me!
All this wishing I was dead is getting old...
It goes on but it's old."
Now I didn't want to kill myself. I was not suicidal, but there were times when I wished I was just dead so that I didn't need to endure all of the crap that I was going through. I still didn't want to deal with it. I would rather be in the after life, wherever I'd end up at least, because that must be far better than going through all of this mess! I began to realize that even thinking that way was foolish. "Oh Brother I'm far. Brother, I'm far away. Brother, I'm far away from everything good!" (The song writer uses "Brother" in reference to Christ calling the Disciples his Brothers. The song writer is having a conversation with Christ, in a sense.)I finally realized that I really need to come clean. This song is really important to me. I have even blogged about it in the past. This song is really powerful because it pretty much summed up this whole dark period in my life. From wanting to be dead, fleeing from all of this mess that I made to asking God to free me from this mess, to finally realizing he has freed me indeed. "But you untied me - didn't you untie me, Lord?"
Start Again- Red - Innocence & Instinct:
"And I remember everything, everything I loved
I gave it away like it wasn't enough
All the words I said and all You forgive
How could I hurt You again?
What if I let You win?
What if I make it right?
What if I give it up?
What if I want to try?
What if You take a chance?
What if I learn to love?
What if, what if we start again?"
I was ready to pick myself back up and start over. To allow God to work in my life once again and fix all that's been broken so many times over. I was just so drained and messed up. I just gave it all up to God so that he'd make me new once again. He didn't disappoint. He never does.
Confined- As I Lay Dying - Shadows Are Security: I took another blow right on the heals of my recovery. It really took me down quite a bit. I felt like I was down for the count. I kept thinking back on how I had overcome so many obstacles in the past, how I used to read my bible everyday and how "great" I was back then. Thinking like that really kept me down. It kept me down for a long time. Longer than I care to admit to. This song, at least just a few lyrics of it, sums up one of the biggest lessons I've ever learned in my life. "How quickly I forget that this is meaningless." It quickly brings me to mind one of my favorite books of the bible. The books of Ecclesiastes is such a harsh book at first glance. Some people would think it's odd that I would adore such a book, but for me it's really put so much in perspective. Ecclesiastes 1:2 says: ""Meaningless! Meaningless!" says the teacher. "Utterly Meaningless! Everything is Meaningless!"" That word is used 35 times in Ecclesiastes and only once elsewhere in the bible. The author is pretty much saying that all of life is meaningless unless it is rightly related to God. Anyway, that's not the point I was getting. This song reminds me of the book of Ecclesiastes but more specifically 7:10, which states: "Do not say, "why were the old days better than these?" for it is not wise to ask such questions." That verse pretty much told me I was being stupid to wish I was the same person that I was back then. I have learned so much since that point in my life and I am a stronger person now than I was back then. Life's a journey, and God continues to refine us down the road. It's foolish to wish you were as crappy as you were back then. That's a simpler way of understanding it, of course, but it really gave me that push to get up and move on.
Dismantle.Repair- Anberlin - Cities:
"I am the patron saint of lost causes
A fraction of who I once believed (change)
only a matter of time
Opinions I would try and rewrite
If life had background music playing your song
I've got to be honest, I tried to escape you
But the orchestra plays on, and they sang
Oh oh, things are gonna change now for the better
Oh oh, things are gonna change
[Chorus 2x]
Hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you
Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through
Dismantle me down (repair)
You dismantle me
You dismantle me
Give me time to prove
Prove I want the rest of yours (prelude)
Call this a prelude to a lifetime of you
It's not that I hang on every word
I hang myself on what you repeat
It's not that I keep hanging on
I'm never letting go"
At this point in my life, I realized that suffering happens. We live in a world full of sin which pretty much means that bad things happen to good people whether we like it or not. I also realized that God uses this suffering to strengthen us and make us greater people. I realized that as long as I had faith in Christ, I would come out on the other side a better, stronger person who understood God just a little more. It's hard to swallow sometimes, but I knew that in those tough times, I just need to hold on. God is faithful to us all even in our darkest hour.
Become What You Believe- Last Tuesday - Become What You Believe:
"But when we stand before the Son of Man
Will we hang our heads, will he understand?
When it's all been said and done, was our race well run?
Tonight I wish I was with you
Tonight I'm headed home
Ready for another day, to become what I believe
This is the life I choose."
That's pretty much where I stand right now. The song I'm rallying behind I guess. God is good. I love him, and I'm trying my best to live my life right by him. I think that's what counts. I'm happy and that's good. I know where I've came from and what decisions I've made in the past and I realize that those things that happened to me shaped who I am today. I'm sure that I'm going to encounter some more rough patches, but I'll take them as they come, knowing that God is with me and he'll get me through each and every one of them. This is the life I choose.
I guess that's my playlist up to now. This is by no means an exhaustive play list. This took long already. I could have definitely gone into detail, but I feel like the playlist would never have ended. I guess this is also a testament to how music can sometimes sum up just what we're going through. Anyway, this exercise was just one way to remember where I came from. I think that's important to do. I encourage all of you to follow suit. You don't exactly have to assemble a playlist like me, but it sure did help. I enjoyed it too. Go figure.
Now, I'm not actually going to do a playlist for my entire life. That'd be massive. May be some day I'll endeavor to tackle that project. I figured I'd reminisce on some stuff that's still pretty fresh in my mind. I guess you can call them my important developmental years or something like that.
Anyway, here's a playlist that sums up from my Highschool years till now. Maybe some brief descriptions for some of the songs too. I'll be judging the songs based off lyrical content as well as over all feel. I'll also provide album title just in case some of you brave souls would like to look any of them up and understand what I'm talking about. The order will be: Song title, Band Name, Album name.
Hell- Foo Fighters - In Your Honor: I guess this sums up me going into High School pretty well. I kind of just said I was a Christian but my life was no where near what it should've been.
Wow, I can get sexual too- Say Anything - ...Is a real boy [disc 2]: It's a pretty catchy but bad song. I guess it's a better definition of what I was dealing with.
I'm not alright- Sanctus Real - The Face of Love: The chorus goes: "I'm not alright. I'm broken inside." Took me around 2 years of high school to finally figure it out. I only really started getting my act together a year or so later.
I Am Understood?- Relient K - Two lefts don't make a right, but three do: I started to discover what it really meant to be a Christian. I picked up my bible for the first time and read out of it because I wanted to. I guess this is the central turning point of my life. I remember it pretty well. I couldn't figure out where to start so I kind of threw my bible open to some random page, closed my eyes and just pointed at some random passage. Turns out it would become my favorite passage of all time. Luke 9:23-24 "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life shall lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it." After that, I decided to read the book of Romans for some reason. That's still one of my favorite books of the bible. Paul is the man.
The Created Void- Underoath - Lost in the sound of separation: Part of the lyrics is: "It's all in the way I say what I don't mean and mean what I don't." It reminds me a lot of what Paul writes in Romans 7: 14-15: "We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." I was starting to realize that it wasn't all just sunshine and butterflies after I accepted Jesus into my heart. I was coming to realize that it was a lot easier said than done.
I Never Wanted- As I Lay Dying - An Ocean Between Us: This is a really good song, but the lyrics I find most powerful and the best summary for this is "I will no longer adore these things that will never satisfy me." This song is pretty much about how old habits die hard. We may change sometimes but then end up right back where we started. This song is also about God relieving us of that and being the one who will satisfy us. Sometimes we fall upon these "obsessions of the world" to fill the hole that's inside us. A whole that those things will never fill. Only Christ's spring never runs dry and always satisfies the thirsty. It's always a painful process to realize you're suffering with some kind of addiction. You may not even realize it at the time. It's definitely hard to kick. At this point in my life, I realized that I didn't want to go along with it. I wanted to fight it and I wanted Christ to be the one who would satisfy me and fix what is broken.
Get Down- Audio Adrenaline - Hit Parade: I love this song. It's an oldie but a goodie. "in your weakness he is stronger, in your darkness he shines through." is just a taste of the awesome lyrics that really pick me up and remind me how great God is. Regardless of how bad I screw up, God is always there to set me back on my feet and help me to walk again. It's awesome. It's hard to realize this when you're in the thick of it, but it's so true. In this part of my life, God was really beginning to show me how faithful he is to me. He showed me how much he loved me even when I screwed up big time.
Mr. Blue Sky- Electric Light Orchestra - Their essential collection: This is such an upbeat sounding song, it almost makes me sick, but I love it. At this point things were pretty good. I sure did have some problems, but I wasn't down on life completely. I was chugging through up to graduation. I was reading my Bible on a regular basis. It was nice. I got to speak in front of the the 700 or so students at my school about my life. I guess I gave them my testimony up to that point. It sure was a heck of an experience. I pretty much winged it up on stage and God pulled me through and had me say what I needed to say. Hopefully it did some people good. Any way, life was good.
Me Oh My- Five Iron Frenzy - All The Hype That Money Can Buy: Apparently this song is about Isaiah 56:1: "Maintain justice and do what is right, for my salvation is close at hand and my righteousness will soon be revealed." It's another upbeat song. I was in college. Things were good. I enjoyed my classes. I came out of an awesome summer with friends. It was good times for sure. I was still on fire for God.
Shiksa (Girlfriend)- Say Anything - In Defense of the Genre: Oh yeah baby! It was about freaking time! I got myself a girlfriend! Life was awesome! Everything was as it was supposed to be! (or so I thought) I didn't have a care in the world. I totally gave myself away to those waves of fuzzy feelings. I let them sweep me away with the tide until they would dash me against the rocks and spell my destruction.
Confession (What's inside my head)- Red - Innocence & Instinct: "I confess, I'm always afraid, Always ashamed of what's inside my head." I ended up breaking up with my girlfriend. One day, I just realized I was not where I wanted to be. I was at the precipice of utter disaster. I was at the head of a trail that was oh so alluring, but one that I really didn't want to go down. On top of that, I was just in a very fragile state. Lord knows what would have happened had I not been so fortunate to realize what wrong I was doing. God was truly looking out for me then. I think about it now and realize that I could've really done things that I would have regretted for the rest of my life. God really saved my behind. This was only the beginning of a dark chapter in my life though.
I So Hate Consequences- Relient K - Mmhmm:
"And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
Consequences
Oh God, don’t make me face up to this
And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
Cause I know that I let you down
And I don’t want to deal with that"
That pretty much summed up what I was feeling like. I knew I screwed the pooch, so to speak, but I really didn't want to deal with it. I just kind of ran away from it, expecting things to get better the more distance I put between myself and it. I was wrong of course. I was continuing to go down a path of self destruction when all I had to do was go to God and he'd set me straight. I went on like this for ages. Pretending all was well when in fact everything was wrong. It's funny how we continue to dwell on this things that keep us down instead of coming forward, going to God to deal with them and rid us of them.
Sons of the Fallen Nation- Haste The Day - Dreamer: "I'm so tired of always letting you down, still you offer to turn it around. I just can't seem to keep my feet on the ground, still you offer to turn it around." God really was faithful to me the whole time. He persisted in reaching out to me even if I didn't seem to recognize his presence. I knew what I needed to do, I just chose not to all the time. Sometimes I tried, but it ended up being a half-hearted attempt at best.
Mess of Me- Switchfoot - Hello Hurricane:
"I am my own affliction
I am my own disease
There ain't no drug that they could sell
Ah, there ain't no drugs to make me well
There ain't no drugs
It's not enough
There ain't no drugs
The sickness is myself
I made a mess of me
I wanna get back the rest of me
I've made a mess of me
I wanna spend the rest of my life alive"
At this point I started to realize that I was killing myself by just living with sin. I wanted to do something about it. I realized I was a wreck and that I needed to get better and running away just wasn't the answer.
Tie Me Up! Untie Me!- Mewithoutyou - Catch Us For the Foxes:
"Tie me up!
Untie me!
All this wishing I was dead is getting old...
It goes on but it's old."
Now I didn't want to kill myself. I was not suicidal, but there were times when I wished I was just dead so that I didn't need to endure all of the crap that I was going through. I still didn't want to deal with it. I would rather be in the after life, wherever I'd end up at least, because that must be far better than going through all of this mess! I began to realize that even thinking that way was foolish. "Oh Brother I'm far. Brother, I'm far away. Brother, I'm far away from everything good!" (The song writer uses "Brother" in reference to Christ calling the Disciples his Brothers. The song writer is having a conversation with Christ, in a sense.)I finally realized that I really need to come clean. This song is really important to me. I have even blogged about it in the past. This song is really powerful because it pretty much summed up this whole dark period in my life. From wanting to be dead, fleeing from all of this mess that I made to asking God to free me from this mess, to finally realizing he has freed me indeed. "But you untied me - didn't you untie me, Lord?"
Start Again- Red - Innocence & Instinct:
"And I remember everything, everything I loved
I gave it away like it wasn't enough
All the words I said and all You forgive
How could I hurt You again?
What if I let You win?
What if I make it right?
What if I give it up?
What if I want to try?
What if You take a chance?
What if I learn to love?
What if, what if we start again?"
I was ready to pick myself back up and start over. To allow God to work in my life once again and fix all that's been broken so many times over. I was just so drained and messed up. I just gave it all up to God so that he'd make me new once again. He didn't disappoint. He never does.
Confined- As I Lay Dying - Shadows Are Security: I took another blow right on the heals of my recovery. It really took me down quite a bit. I felt like I was down for the count. I kept thinking back on how I had overcome so many obstacles in the past, how I used to read my bible everyday and how "great" I was back then. Thinking like that really kept me down. It kept me down for a long time. Longer than I care to admit to. This song, at least just a few lyrics of it, sums up one of the biggest lessons I've ever learned in my life. "How quickly I forget that this is meaningless." It quickly brings me to mind one of my favorite books of the bible. The books of Ecclesiastes is such a harsh book at first glance. Some people would think it's odd that I would adore such a book, but for me it's really put so much in perspective. Ecclesiastes 1:2 says: ""Meaningless! Meaningless!" says the teacher. "Utterly Meaningless! Everything is Meaningless!"" That word is used 35 times in Ecclesiastes and only once elsewhere in the bible. The author is pretty much saying that all of life is meaningless unless it is rightly related to God. Anyway, that's not the point I was getting. This song reminds me of the book of Ecclesiastes but more specifically 7:10, which states: "Do not say, "why were the old days better than these?" for it is not wise to ask such questions." That verse pretty much told me I was being stupid to wish I was the same person that I was back then. I have learned so much since that point in my life and I am a stronger person now than I was back then. Life's a journey, and God continues to refine us down the road. It's foolish to wish you were as crappy as you were back then. That's a simpler way of understanding it, of course, but it really gave me that push to get up and move on.
Dismantle.Repair- Anberlin - Cities:
"I am the patron saint of lost causes
A fraction of who I once believed (change)
only a matter of time
Opinions I would try and rewrite
If life had background music playing your song
I've got to be honest, I tried to escape you
But the orchestra plays on, and they sang
Oh oh, things are gonna change now for the better
Oh oh, things are gonna change
[Chorus 2x]
Hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you
Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through
Dismantle me down (repair)
You dismantle me
You dismantle me
Give me time to prove
Prove I want the rest of yours (prelude)
Call this a prelude to a lifetime of you
It's not that I hang on every word
I hang myself on what you repeat
It's not that I keep hanging on
I'm never letting go"
At this point in my life, I realized that suffering happens. We live in a world full of sin which pretty much means that bad things happen to good people whether we like it or not. I also realized that God uses this suffering to strengthen us and make us greater people. I realized that as long as I had faith in Christ, I would come out on the other side a better, stronger person who understood God just a little more. It's hard to swallow sometimes, but I knew that in those tough times, I just need to hold on. God is faithful to us all even in our darkest hour.
Become What You Believe- Last Tuesday - Become What You Believe:
"But when we stand before the Son of Man
Will we hang our heads, will he understand?
When it's all been said and done, was our race well run?
Tonight I wish I was with you
Tonight I'm headed home
Ready for another day, to become what I believe
This is the life I choose."
That's pretty much where I stand right now. The song I'm rallying behind I guess. God is good. I love him, and I'm trying my best to live my life right by him. I think that's what counts. I'm happy and that's good. I know where I've came from and what decisions I've made in the past and I realize that those things that happened to me shaped who I am today. I'm sure that I'm going to encounter some more rough patches, but I'll take them as they come, knowing that God is with me and he'll get me through each and every one of them. This is the life I choose.
I guess that's my playlist up to now. This is by no means an exhaustive play list. This took long already. I could have definitely gone into detail, but I feel like the playlist would never have ended. I guess this is also a testament to how music can sometimes sum up just what we're going through. Anyway, this exercise was just one way to remember where I came from. I think that's important to do. I encourage all of you to follow suit. You don't exactly have to assemble a playlist like me, but it sure did help. I enjoyed it too. Go figure.
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