But you untied me. Didn't you untie me, Lord?

It's been awhile since I've thrown down anything too deep on here. I'm pretty much overdue or something like that. May be that's something I shouldn't want to have to type up on my blog? I don't know, but I'm going through with it anyway.

I've been having a real difficult time just operating this past couple of weeks. I've been irritated, sad, lonely, confused, etc. Altogether it hasn't been too fun to be me. I've just been going through the process of re-evaluating myself and that's never fun. I've basically been cleaning house. Had to lift up some couches and stare some mutated, snaggle-toothed dusty bunnies in the face which is terrifying! Tangling with monsters ain't easy! It's pretty stressful, and it's something I don't like and enjoy shying away from, but regardless of how much I detest it, it's got to be done if I care about it at all at least.

Soul-searching's been a long and difficult process for me. I don't know about you guys, but realizing my own short comings just never makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Finding you land far from the person you want yourself to be is pretty crushing. It's like: "ok, so where did I turn off and how the heck did I get here!?" And sometimes, you feel so far away that it seems like you'll never get back. So it feels like I'm stuck in Egypt. So far away from where I should be just getting beaten down by my personal failure and short comings that it feels like it's impossible to get up. There's nothing I can do but cry out in agony because I'm facing a machine that's bigger than me.

Praise be to God, the God of the broken and wretched, who's ears hear the cry of the oppressed. The old school Sunday school story has never meant so much more to me than it does now. God heard the cry of his people being oppressed and beaten down in Egypt, and just like that God hears my cries when I'm getting beaten down too. He rose up against Egypt and rescued his people just as he rescues me now. It's awesome.

God hears my cries of pain and anguish. Sometimes it doesn't seem like he's listening, but he is. He's moving, we just don't see it. It's always hard to wait out for that shining light to guide you back when you're waist deep in darkness. Personally, I tend to forget what kind of a track record he's got when it comes to him rescuing his people.

It's been so easy for me to just get wrapped up in thinking about my own short comings and failures. Just getting tied up by hopelessness. Honestly, sometimes it seems like I'm completely wrapped, and on top of that, tied "neatly" together with some kind of Gordian knot. It feels like it's impossible for me to get out of this; it's never going to happen. Pack it in Cory, you're done. Finito, capice? But God never fails to pull me out. Sometimes it's subtle, very very subtle. Like a thief in the night, or just like a whisper on the wind. You'd miss it if you weren't looking for it. And sometimes he comes in like a pillar of fire. There's no way you can miss that. It's obvious, it's awesome! He comes along and chops the knot and frees me. "But you untied me. Didn't you untie me Lord?" the lyrics have never felt so true before.

Ya I sowed the wind, but I wasn't prepared to reap the whirlwind. I never expected to be beat down this bad. But God has always been there to give me relief. And when I'm standing there surveying the aftermath, he's been there to reset my foundations and help me rebuild. It's a painful process of course, but it happens. When it happens, Christ's got the hammer and nails.

While I've been thinking, I've realized I honestly don't give myself enough credit. Now follow me on this one, I'm not being full of myself here. I've always just been so focused on how much I mess up and not on how much I've grown and changed for the better. Now I've got an example from a certain situation I found myself in today. I'm sure if you asked other people involved about it, they may give you a different perspective on the situation, probably/especially a certain individual who was the other party in the little discussion I found myself in after class this morning. I assure you that I'm being completely sincere when I speak about this. Honest.

Now I've found my way into some very ugly discussions that went south real fast. A couple of my friends can testify to that actually. Point is, I've been in enough to know now the difference between having a discussion and an argument. You're either doing one or the other. Today, even if the other person was a little stubborn and young, I felt I was discussing. I was not angry. Confused, maybe a little flustered, but not angry. I most certainly was not even thinking about trying to "win" the discussion as if it was so important to win. I was honestly interested in discussing the subject and explaining why it didn't make much sense to me and why it didn't. I don't think it would be wrong for me to be proud of the way I conducted myself today. I've done far worse in the past, and Lord knows there was the possibility of complete disaster today, but I think I handled it pretty well. The moral of this story is this is one place God has taught me to better and it has happened. I've seen the growth that he's encouraged and I'm pretty happy for that.

The thought of loving myself is so bizarre and new. It's tough, which you think would be a weird thing to say right? I mean who doesn't think they're worth anything at all and doesn't appreciate their own personal strengths. Honestly, I know alot of people, myself included, who do. So I don't know about you all, but I think I'm going to take a walk on the wild side and appreciate myself a little more. After all, I was tied up and he freed me. I've got to be worth something to him if he would do such a thing. Are we "too good" to love ourselves even if God does enough to send his Son down to die for us? We were made in his image. That's got to mean something right?